Why do gender reveal parties cause more harm to Autistic/ND, Trans and GNC folks than good?
TW & CW // gender and sex binarism, genitalia mention, disaster mention, saneist and/or ableist language, H*tler mention, Intersex Genitalia Mutilation (IGM) “surgery” mention, violence against trans and gender-modal folks mention, discrimination and deaths of trans and gender-modal folks mention, Rowling/T-RFling mention, ableism/saneism mention, discrimination and violence against trans and gender-modal Autistics, p*lice brutality mention, r*pe/s*xual assault mention, etc…
A/N: Hello everyone! This time, I’ve decided to create an article that talks about the dark, but blunt reality of the screwed up gender reveal parties some of us have seen… Have you ever wondered how bothersome they can become when parents are so obsessed with an infant’s genitalia that they aren’t leaving room for the possibilities that their kid can be trans, non-binary, gender-non-conforming/modal, and/or intersex?
Before I start, I would like to dedicate this article to my ArtfullyAutistic comrades, my friend and her loved ones in real life, my family (in hopes that they understand why I do what I do), my readers who deserve loads of liberation and solidarity, and my online friends and family.
Now… let’s begin!
Origin(s) of detrimental gender reveal parties
The idea of a gender reveal party originated in 2008 During Present (DP), when a non-intersex and allocishet (also typically) and neurotypical white woman named Jenna Karvunidis baked a cake with pink icing inside of it to celebrate the fact that she was having an infant who she previously deemed to be a “girl”. She wrote about the act in a blog post, which was a catalyst for the gender reveal party trend that would later become more than only a small trend, but not in some beneficial light, oh no, rather a more detrimental one that would also harm the environment around expecting parents in more ways than one.
A/N: a bit of foreshadowing anyone? no? ah hell, let’s continue anyway!
As for the infant who was designated “female” at birth, is now ten, wears suits and has short hair. As rephrased (in my own words) from Ms. Karvunidis’ statement about her child, their perspective on their internal sense of their own gender has changed (one realistic example from reality that gender is, in fact, a fluid modality one cannot ever “grow out” of). Ms. Karvunidis now has mixed feelings towards the trend that was sparked from her blog post in 2008 DP.
“Who cares what gender the baby is?” She said in a Facebook post made in July. “Assigning focus on gender at birth leaves out so much of their potential and talents that have nothing to do with what’s between their legs” (Blunt, 2019).
Karvunidis also stated in another Facebook post that demonstrated her justifiable frustration and anger towards the trend created from her blog post that was meant to be a place of solace for herself and anyone else reading them.
“Stop having those stupid parties. For the love of God, stop burning things down to tell everyone about your kid’s penis. No one cares but you” (Hope, 2020).
You hear that, NTs? If this NT woman has a shred of humanity when it comes to folks exploring their gender while experimenting with pronouns and gender in general, then so can you if you put your own humanity to it while also putting your own beliefs around those parties aside.
Gender reveal parties and how they continue to protect and uplift intersexism/perisexism, cissexism, heterosexism and the colonialist gender and sex binaries
During a pregnant person’s baby shower, a gender reveal party is more of an announcement that hypes up and excites expecting parents whether they will have a baby who is a “girl” or a “boy”. Typically, those parties act more like a mystery that will turn into a surprise for a usually perisex and allocishet NT monogamous couple. At a scan of 20 weeks into pregnancy, there are some couples that will ask a sonographer (medical detectives that utilise technical skills, ultrasound skills [depending on training], including a subjective understanding of the human body to produce diagnostic images and/or scans {etc.}) to write down the binaristic options of “girl” or “boy” on a piece of paper and then put it into an envelope. Those couples will then give the envelope to a trusted friend or a relative (whether they’re a nibling, sibling, or a pibling [basically referring to the sibling(s) of a parent(s) that is specifically a unisex singular noun; plural: piblings]). Guests usually demonstrate their gender predictions and especially their excitement (again, depends on how they personally feel about said parties) by wearing pink or blue, then they participate in activities before the sex of the couple’s infant is revealed.
A/N: T o summarise, this is one trait of how a gender reveal party can be creepy if you think about it, since gender reveal parties are basically parents obsessing over an infant’s genitalia and not leaving any room for actual possibilities that their child would turn out to be non-binary, trans, gender-non-conforming/modal, and/or intersex, including using old wives’ tales (self-proclaimed supposed “truths” which is more of a superstition than philosophical and/or scientific fact; sometimes an urban legend passed down from older women to younger generations) to try to “”predict”” gender (it ain’t predictable in the first place to burst any gendered bubble some of y’all narrow-minded NT bastards are living in the first place).
Those gender reveals include either a cake with (pointlessly gendered) colours such as blue or pink representing sweets inside the cake or a piñata (if looking for the pronounciation, pi-nya-tuh [you’re welcome! /friendly /informative /genuine]), or a guest taking off a hat to reveal another gendered wig…. But recent ones have done a tremendous amount of damage to the environment, such as smoke grenades, fireworks, and burnouts (which are becoming more common than before).
While gender reveal parties bring harm to the environment around the party, they also put plenty of detriment towards trans, gender-modal, non-binary and intersex individuals (which happens because of the gendered, colonialist, perisexist, cissexist, heterosexist, ableist (neurogenders are also considered to be MOGAI/LGBTQIAP2S+ like every single gender umbrella in the infinite gender spectrum, and gatekeepers cannot ever define what’s “”acceptable”” and what’s “not” because it will never be for them to decide) and even sexist expectations that societies like ours have towards people who continue to defy an artificial gender and sex binary that was NEVER natural in the first place [oh yeah, nature’s also gender-modal and gay, so too bad for the binarists who love to use “mother nature said so!” as an excuse to justify their Eurocentric bigotry]).
As Helen (a mother of a trans child; goes by she/her) states about those outdated parties, she says that those parties enforce “hideously stereotyped boxes where girls equal pink princesses and boys equal blue cowboys” (Blunt, 2019). Her statement is true, because as children grow up, they internalise gendered stereotypes that “prevent girls from studying traditionally masculine subjects like maths and science and instil in boys the belief that it is “feeble” to express emotions” (Blunt, 2019).
“It’s not just to do with gender,” she adds onto her honest and factual statement. “What if your child is born disabled or doesn’t fit into a particular version of what a baby or child should be?” (Blunt, 2019).
Gender reveal parties are also a real-life example of a metaphor for the harmful consequences of a deeper, rigid cultural message. A pyrotechnic (relating to fireworks) display of pink or blue reflecting the long-term poison of boxing infants into Eurocentric, binaristic categories that don’t even reflect who they are before they explore what gender means to them as individuals. By slapping a meaningless colour label (that shouldn’t mean much in the real world, but here we are) before they even exit the human vagina (can also be referred to as a birth canal). We are preventing those infants from developing their own autonomy and self-determination in terms of exploring their own internal senses of their gender(s) and to continuously control that identity online and especially as they grow up to be adults trying to survive a gender and sex binaristic world.
Those who don’t fit into binaristic categories, regardless of one’s internal sense of their gender, already face a mentally, emotionally, physically, and/or psychologically draining battle when it comes to navigating the f*cked up world around them, including to find acceptance from supportive social groups and fair treatment. Trans, non-binary, gender-non-conforming/modal and intersex individuals are especially vulnerable to discrimination, genuine hatred, hate crimes, assault and harassment (in general), being homeless (because not every trans, gender-modal, non-binary and intersex person is fortunate to have supportive families and/or communities),having to go through Intersex Genitalia Mutilation (also sexual abuse against intersex individuals because those f*cked up surgeries rob any sense of autonomy, free will, and agency towards intersex folks, while also having to deal with medical intersexism and societal intersexism, including medical trauma) just because their genitalia don’t fit into some artificial sex binary that does more harm than good, being attacked in public gendered bathrooms that only benefits T-RFs and other bigots, such as Graham Linehan, Kathleen Stock, J.K. T-RFling (known as Rowling, She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, etc.), including saneists, ableists, racists and xenomisic bigots (and more) in general, misgendering, microaggressions, being killed just because of who they are, being outed by a co-worker, relative, sibling, “family” member, and/or by anyone, and overall violence (in 2021, as stated by the Human Rights Commission, 31 trans or gender-modal individuals are fatally shot or killed by other means, and Black trans women are mainly one of the most vulnerable in trans and gender-modal communities since they are harassed, murdered, and killed each year on the basis of them being Black, trans, and women), including f*cked up rituals such as gender reveal parties reinforces systems that have always uplifted, privileged, and protected perisexism, cissexism, heterosexism, including sexism (and many more forms of bigotry, such as racism).
Emphasizing a non-existent “importance” before individuals enter this equally beautiful, but also equally wasted wonderland of a “world” in the earliest stages of our lives, drives home the false, but often binaristic, colonialist, and Eurocentric/Christian assumption that everyone fits into either this “female”/”male” bullsh*t binary, and that identity is “”fixed”” before a person is even born and “”cannot”” be altered from this point on. In actuality, the infinite modalities of gender and/or sex are much more wonderfully diverse and have always existed since human history and human culture began, because most people (keyword: most) have some common sense regarding gender and sex, because they’ve learned that it is NEVER the same thing, nor will they ever be synonymous with each other, EVER. As humans, we are made up of variations that both our internal and external genitalia, our chromosomes, hormones, including our brains that comprise of a modal, infinite, and broad spectrum than the Eurocentric “2-genders” bullsh*t that has always corrupted our brains since colonialism and Christianity/Xtianity came into existence.
Oh yeah, and the consequences (both environmental and social/societal) can hopefully teach a lesson on being more humanitarian and humble by not burdening children with binaristic gender labels and/or toys, clothing, and sentiments (already doing a disservice to trans, non-binary, gender-modal and intersex folks) before they even have a chance to start exploring their own gender(s), because gender reveal parties always leave out intersex, trans, non-binary and gender-modal people by saying that the only way for a baby to be is if they are a binary woman or a binary man (which is actually harmful than the majority of perisex and allocishet society who may believe otherwise).
To summarise it up, gender reveal parties are also revealed to prevent children from being celebrated in each infinite modality they will always belong to, while being made to feel ashamed of not fitting into a gendered stereotype that is always debunked (like every single gendered stereotype created into existence).
How those gender parties have impacted the environment in a detrimental way while also intersecting with social (etc) and societal consequences of the gender binary
Gender reveal parties have also impacted the environment in the destruction of forests, wildlife habitats, including fires that have started because of those parties. For example, one gender reveal party have caused a massive wildfire in Southern California, which has been nicknamed the El Dorado fire that has damaged acres of trees. Another example: In March of 2019 DP, a 10-acre bushfire was also started by a gender reveal party in Florida.
No one has died of those parties, but they can be deadly when it gets to this point. A non-intersex and cis soon-to-be grandmother with the name of Pamela Kreimeyer, 56, from Iowa was killed in October (a few months later) after her family “unintentionally” built a pipe bomb to announce the genitalia of their child. Kreimeyer stood 45 feet away from the explosive with other family members and ended up being killed by a flying piece of metal, while another one flew 450 feet after killing her (Wilkinson, 2020). However, not everyone has died from those parties because a few have been lucky to escape the potential of death with their lives.
A month earlier before this incident with Kreimeyer and her family, another gender reveal incident happened in September of 2019 in Texas with two people involved. The duo flew a crop duster plane and dropped 350 gallons of pink water to announce that their baby was going to be a “girl”, but then it gave out and crashed into a field while landing upside down. Fortunately the pilot walked away unscathed and a passenger only suffered minimal injuries (Wilkinson, 2020). It was later reported that the crop duster was a single passenger one and two people shouldn’t have been carried in there.
Those environmental consequences can intersect with the social and societal consequences of the parties since gender reveal parties reinforce ancient stereotypes, sexism, perisexism, cissexism, heterosexism, and misogyny, and they only reveal the sex (covering from internal and external genitalia to chromosomes, secondary sex characteristics, and more) and anatomy of an infant {whereas gender, is an entire concept that is tied to social constructs varying from culture to culture (not every culture is the same when it comes to gender because some [specifically] Western cultures are more binaristic than others)}.
Fun fact: Pink used to be perceived as a colour for those who are “men” because it was a ‘lighter’ version of red (also associated with the social construct of what “masculinity” is) and blue used to be for those who are “women” because of its association/relevancy with Christianity’s Virgin Mary and with the social construct of what “femininity” is.
[A/N: but Hitler was the one who feminised the colour pink due to the fact that he forced many MOGAI individuals to wear pink triangles in this shade during the second World War, and yes this information can also be found on the Smithsonian’s website that has an article about this, including a Google search if you’re interested in doing more research on this.]
Katie Baratz Dalke, Medicinae Doctor (abbreviation: M.D.), is an intersex person who has experienced feelings of isolation outside the detrimental gender and sex binaries, and she shared her perspective when it came to the hypocrisy and dishonesty of patriarchal gender norms.
“The popularity of gender-reveal parties speaks to how powerful and central this binary is to our sense of identity,” She states. “Still, they make me a little queasy. By collapsing gender expression, gender identity, and sex, you’re doing everyone a disservice, because no one buys into the whole package all the time.” She then adds to her previous statement (based on her lived experiences). “You’re especially doing a disservice to those who are intersex or transgender, who must spend their lives explaining it. It’s frustrating that this is now a commercialized ritual, when it can be so alienating” (Stopyra, 2017).
Hann Lindahl, another intersex person who is a bakery manager in Illinois expressed that her first job after college in supervising the management of gender reveal cakes was a “weird” experience (Stopyra, 2017), although she enjoyed her first job in other terms, she reported feeling a sense of relief when she left the perisex-normative and allocisheteronormative environment. She is still collaborating with interACT (a non-profit advocacy organisation aiding intersex folks while instilling a sense of self-advocacy and liberation in intersex individuals, whether they are children, youth, and/or adults) to advocate for intersex youth.
“It’s important to be aware how much we project onto children, especially in terms of gender, because it can be so rigid, so harmful,” Lindahl expressed (Stopyra, 2017).
Nonetheless, W. Keith Campbell (head of the department of psychology at the University of Georgia and a nationally recognised expert on the misunderstood, but widely demonised subject of “narcissism”) spoke from their perspective on how a concept of “self-celebration” (as defined from the Sarah Powell website, “celebrating the person you are now; not your future self or not the person you wish to be. It is about accepting, encouraging and empowering yourself in this moment”) is also present there as well. As stated:
“And there is something to be said for the communal aspect of sharing something meaningful with friends, which I don’t want to downplay. But there’s self-celebration taking place here as well. We can link this to narcissism and individualism” (Stopyra, 2017).
How those parties reinforce the gender binary and also prevent Autistic/ND folks in exploring their own gender(s)
The colonialist and Eurocentric gender binary is reinforced by those parties, since it is an artificial thing that places “men” on one end, and “women” on the other end, and people at those “polar ends” are believed to be comprised of “”opposite”” sets of internal and external genitalia, chromosomes, and secondary sex characteristics (etc.), internal sense of gender, how they express that internal sense, social roles, and subsequent privileges and oppressions. It’s considered by most as “”just the way things are”” (heh, that’s some bullsh*t if I ever heard one real-life example of it). However, we have to remind ourselves something… everything we take for granted sustaining this artificial binary is actually subjective.
A/N: Close your eyes for a second (or leave them open, whatever aids you and benefits you), and imagine how most of us have been taught the process of fertilisation when it occurs… The so-called “mighty” sperm competitively races upstream — like salmon rushing in a river to breeding grounds — until one “victor” (one sperm cell) find and penetrates the passive and naïve egg (which the egg is probably reading their book or reading something pertaining to anarchist philosophy).
Most people are familiar with how this process has been taught, but have seem to forgotten one thing. In actuality, the lone spermatozoa (sperm cell) doesn’t penetrate the oocyte (egg cell), but the oocyte itself clutches and yanks the spermatozoa (sperm cell) with it’s strength and makes us “who we are”.
As Pidgeon Pagonis (intersex humanitarian [another great word to describe “activists” because they have a decent (or strong, depending on the person[s]) sense of humanity/human decency] and advocate for intersex individuals and youth) has stated in their article “3 Ways That Gender Reveal Parties Can Be Harmful — Plus 3 Awesome Alternatives”…
“Myths like these often lead to treacherous outcomes. For example, proponents of traditional gender roles often cite them to argue why “a woman’s place is x.” When challenged, they often state that they didn’t make up these roles — that instead, they’re embedded in the building blocks of life” (Pagonis, 2016).
Hell, they even said that those parties make the worst mistake by placing patriarchal gender roles onto children before they’re even born, because heavily gendered expectations, such as those perceived as “girls” expected to be “nicer”, “prettier”, and “quiet”, and those who are perceived as “boys” being expected to “not cry”, to be “macho”, and to not “care” about their personal hygiene since they create no room for “failure”. To translate from a cisgender perspective to a transgender/gender-modal perspective, “failure” meaning for a child to not fit into arbitrary expectations, adhere to some bullsh*t plan, and to not make a (typically) non-intersex, allocishet and white neurotypical parent feel “good enough”.
On the other hand, Autistic/ND and Trans/Gender-modal folks are a large group of people that identify as Trans, Genderqueer, Non-binary and Gender-non-conforming, and some binary transgender folks reject Autistic/ND individuals and Neurodiversity in general and, to an extent, Disabled, ND/Autistic Trans individuals. While rushing to accept, affirm, and appreciate the existence of binary Trans folks (typically neurotypical ones), some individuals in Trans communities frequently deny any support for ND and Disabled (Non-binary) Trans individuals.
Oh yeah, expectations of patriarchal and neurotypical gender roles (are also seen in symbols during gender reveal parties) in classrooms, the internet, society in general, tell us that our gender identities aren’t “real”. They also lie to us that we’re “confused”, that our existence is a “phase”, that we’ll “grow out” of it and “settle down” with some perisex/non-intersex and allocishet NT douchebag, and so forth, and yet they also preach that we don’t even “know yourselves” and that we’re “lying” to ourselves (who’s f*cking fault is that I wonder? /venom-laced sarcasm).
There’s “behaviour”-based intervention plans that Trans and Autistic/ND kids and youth are still surviving and dealing with, such as the inclusion of cisgender and NT “”normalisation”” strategies (“strategies” my ass, they’re training us to not have any sense of self and to be raised on fear of rebelling against their asses and have the gall to ask us why we don’t have any of their “self-love” bullsh*t), alongside ABA therapy (translation: the forced suppression and stripping us of our natural individualities), and also including the severe compliance-based punishments towards gender-affirming explorations/expressions.
To add more honest evidence, there’s plenty of Trans and Gender-Modal Autistics of Colour who are genuinely scared for their lives because they face the highest risk of criminalisation, carding (or ‘stop-and-frisk’ in New York, U.S.), police brutality, and incarceration, racist and xenomisic attacks while dealing with ableism and saneism on top of those attacks, including racial profiling, harassment, and even rape/assault in worse cases.
Some gatekeepers in Trans, Gender-non-conforming, and Non-Binary communities (comprised of mostly binary, NT, white, abled, singlet, etc. and Trans neurotypical individuals, although they can vary from person to person along with some of them projecting their internalised transmisia, queermisia (genuine hatred towards folks who perceive themselves as “Queer”), ableism, saneism, and enbymisia towards those who don’t fit into their rigid and colonialist expectations of who a Trans person “should” and “shouldn’t” look like) constantly reject ND/Autistic folks in their fight for acceptance and appreciation, so Autistic/ND Trans (etc.) folks are “outcasts” from the large MOGAI community.
Autistic/ND folks are falsely and harmfully presumed by the majority of society, and the people in their environments in general to be “unable” of having their own autonomy and agency when building ourselves and who we are as people (which this worldwide detrimental assumption does more harm than good to us), because Autistic/ND folks are more than capable of having their own autonomy (because we are also human beings who are still learning to establish beneficial boundaries for our survival, while also learning how to continuously advocate for ourselves because it’s something that is lifelong), and we are also more than just capable of making our own decisions for ourselves and for trusted people/persons (depending from person to person whether a supportive family, sibling, pibling, nibling, friend(s), professional partner(s), romantic partner(s), sexual partner(s), and more).
(for those who are NT, non-intersex and allocishet, this is ONLY for you to read) For rainbow’s sake, NTs, stop infantilising us so that you won’t complain about our supposed “lack” of self, self-esteem, and more because you all are the ones to take all of that away from us for your own selfish gains and for your own self-obsessed desires to make you all seem better than you are!!!!!!!!
As J.K. Rowling (otherwise referred to many and the author xyrself [pronounced zir-self] as “T-RFling”) and many other “traditional wives” (abbreviated as “tradwives”) like her continue to promote this belief with another false one such as us Autistic/ND folks having a “hard” time sorting out and exploring/navigating things on our own (again, not necessarily true, because us Autistic/ND folks still continue to survive the lifelong struggle of self-identity, especially when it comes to gender), she weaponises our natural neurotypes to defend her T-RFy and bigoted beliefs and to justify her own transmisia in one transmisic essay she wrote.
Being MOGAI and/or Autistic was NEVER a choice in the first place, unlike how some perisex and allocishet NT bigots falsely believe it to be (their beliefs aren’t objective, so they’re on the wrong side of human history because they’re cowards who can’t deal with life being honest about gender at all /blunt). Rowling has also created her transmisic essay as a failed attempt in rationalising ignorance in supposedly “attempting” to portray trans and gender-modal rights as some imaginary “attack” on women’s rights, which harms both trans and gender-modal folks, and women of all intersectionalities.
Her weaponisation of Autism as a natural neurotype is one real-life example of how ableism (and interconnecting with it, saneism) is used as a method to promote genuine hatred and invalidation of many marginalised communities, including to keep denying the basic human right to be who they are in their lives. Rowling’s transmisia doesn’t help us as they don’t include the actual concerns that plenty of us are continuing to fight against and have to worry about, nor do they provide any actual toolkits to combat worldwide ableism against us.
If it weren’t for women’s rights, then trans and gender-modal rights wouldn’t have ever existed, and that is something that Rowling’s forgotten about because if she still continues to exclude trans and gender-modal (specifically trans and gender-modal Autistics of all intersectionalities) voices from her non-existent “”activism””, then she is not a feminist at all.
“A real feminist is intersectional, an anarchist human being, one with a strong sense of humanity and has sincere support towards others and/or for many causes, not being actually mainstream nor uncritically weaponising mental health language to make themselves seem saintly than they actually do, unlike Rowling and other white/mainstream fauxminists (‘fake feminists’)”.
-The author himself, 2021 D.P. (During Present)
Final Thoughts
Gender reveal parties that some neurotypical, non-intersex and allocishet families are obsessed with (regardless of their Western or non-Western cultures and culturally insensitive beliefs of what “gender” is supposed to and not supposed to look like), can really f*ck with an Autistic child’s perception of their gender, because parents hammering their binaristic beliefs into them can really make them struggle with their sense of their gender(s), and can really invalidate the gender(s) they, themself, are exploring with, not the binary “gender” they’ve been forced to conform into their entire lives by institutions, families, and by society itself. Autistic Trans/Gender-modal folks face plenty of concerns that NT and Trans/Gender-modal folks and cis Autistic folks don’t have to worry about and don’t have to think about. Some concerns are systemic and take entire decades and/or millennia to change, whereas some, like family support and understanding (varying from family/culture to family/culture) can start in the current environment.
Listen the hell up, ignorant and bigoted NT perisex and allocishets! It’s crucial to NEVER place artificial expectations onto Autistic and ND Trans/Gender-modal children before they’re even born from mainstream gender reveal parties, because the second or minute they’ve made their own decision to come out to you (because you’re a “support person” for them, and they perceive it as “safe” to come out to you for now), LISTEN TO WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY, SUPPORT AND LOVE/ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE, DON’T DISMISS THEIR IDENTITY, DON’T DEADNAME AND/OR MISGENDER THEM, GIVE THEM SPACE TO EXPLORE THEIR IDENTITY AND TO EXPERIMENT WITH ANY PRONOUNS THEY LIKE, AND DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT CONTINUING TO HURT THEM WITH INTENDING TO!
If you do those things to your own children, then you’re the one destroying their relationship with you and they’ll have to cut you off and not want to think about interacting with you ever again for their own safety and well-being once they move out from your home because you, yourself, are the one who’s destroying their trust and their security with you, NEVER the other way around, EVER.
However, if you are a perisex/non-intersex and allocishet NT person who is willing to educate themself on what being Trans, Gender-modal and/or Autistic feels like from one’s perspective, then you’re at a very good start of a long journey, because both you and your child will need to support each other now than ever, and researching articles that do not include ignorant NT perspectives, speaking to other Autistic Trans and Gender-modal individuals of all intersectionalities, educating yourself on LGBTQIAP2S+/MOGAI terminology, listening to your own child(ren) and activists are your greatest friends to trust and stick with!
For many Trans and Gender-modal Autistics (myself and many more folks included), it’s completely okay to be still struggling with any doubts about gender, and it’s okay to keep exploring for the rest of your life, or to not feel exactly certain. There’s no such thing as a cis or trans childhood (as I’ve been told by a trusted online friend I can relate to), because they do not make you any less of who you are at all, nor does it ever make you any less Trans or Gender-modal (hell, I’m still needing to keep learning that myself since I’m in a similar boat as y’all as of last year).
Trying out different names (as long as no one of any culture is harmed because it isn’t fair for a white person to use a name that isn’t a part of their culture for themself [since people who aren’t Eurocentric are targeted because of their names from their respective cultures, but people who are Eurocentric aren’t because of the fact that they are white, but using a name that isn’t Eurocentric], but if they are using for an inanimate object like a diary, a stuffed companion, or a sketchbook, that is fine), gender labels that you feel at home with, clothes, pronouns, and/or especially jewellery and formal wear can be beneficial to see how you’re feeling about them. Picrews (online avatar makers that are similar to gendered dress up games, but more inclusive, which can depend on the creators themselves) are also very beneficial to help combat Trans Imposter Syndrome (the messy, but uncomfortable feeling that one feels like they’re “lying” about their gender or that they’re not “trans” enough), along with subconscious beliefs about yourself or the cisgender “love yourself” bullsh*t when it comes to what the human body looks like. It’s okay if you want to experiment with trusted friends, family members, or with other trusted colleagues if you feel that it’s safe to share your personal information with them. There are also safe spaces online that is safe to experiment with your gender on Discord and elsewhere, such as the LGBTA Wiki’s Discord Server (huge shoutout and kudos to the people in the server who continue making it safer!!!!!), or in fanfiction/literary forms of fiction, such as women loving women or men loving men (or non-binary loving non-binary, intersex loving intersex, etc.) fanfictions/books of your favourite fandoms to read, girls’ love or boys’ love manga, manhwa and manhua (and that’s okay, because there’s nothing wrong with wanting to experiment with gender in this way), video games, or watching anime (or whatever personally benefits you).
A/N: Manhua is the Chinese form of Manga, but with unique art-styles and forms of storytelling that don’t necessarily look the same as each art-style and form of storytelling is different, whereas Manhwa is the Korean version of a Manhua and Manga since there’s also a unique version of art-styles and storytelling as well.
There is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to gender, because there’s no “”wrong”” way to express it (because exclusionists, transmedicalists, gold star lesbian and gay individuals, lesbian separatists, and T-RFs make a lot of detrimental fallacies and arguments that can easily be debunked due to their arguments not having any realistic basis other than detesting how people are expressing themselves). When someone is first exploring their own identity, it’s completely typical and understandable for them to not count in Trans and Gender-modal communities because they feel that their dysphoria is not enough (dysphoria doesn’t have to limit to body dysphoria, because it can also extend to pronoun dysphoria, name dysphoria, chest dysphoria, clothing dysphoria, and more), they didn’t know that they were trans or gender-non-conforming, they didn’t know that some of their SpIns while growing up aren’t what cis people typically enjoy, and/or anything else. Similar to what Autism is as a modal and infinite spectrum, gender is also a modal and infinite spectrum that is much more older than the artificial gender and sex binaries created by Xtian/Christian, European, and NT colonialism, and especially than the artificial gender reveal parties, because this spectrum has and will always exist longer since the dawn of human civilisation.
You are valid, you’re not and never will be alone, you are loved, and most importantly, you deserve to liberate yourself, others around you, and to keep fighting against this f*cked up binaristic system because there’s plenty of trusted people, SpIns, and a lot to be fighting for!
With solidarity, acceptance, and being humanitarian,
A ravenet gremlin person and man ❤.
References cited:
Blunt, R. (2019, October 30). The dangers — physical and psychological — of gender reveal parties. BBC News. https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-50207452.
Brown, L.X.Z. (2016, June 22). Gendervague: At the Intersection of Autistic and Trans Experiences. Asperger/Autism Network (AANE). https://www.aane.org/gendervague-intersection-autistic-trans-experiences/
C., J. (2020, July 1). JK ROWLING, AUTISM, AND GETTING TO ‘PICK YOUR GENDER’. cr*pple media. https://cripplemedia.com/jk-rowling-autism-and-getting-to-pick-your-gender/ (tw and cw // the word “cr*pple” in the url)
Guin, K. (2020, June 11). Autistic, Trans, and Betrayed By J.K. Rowling. Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism. http://www.thinkingautismguide.com/2020/06/autistic-trans-and-betrayed-by-jk.html
Hope, A. (2020, September 8). Opinion: Gender reveal parties are destructive from top to bottom. CNN. https://www.cnn.com/2020/09/08/opinions/gender-reveal-party-california-fire-destruction-hope/index.html
(n.a.). (n.d.). Autistic and transgender: the intersection of two minorities. Altogether Autism Takiwatanga. https://www.altogetherautism.org.nz/autistic-and-transgender-the-intersection-of-two-minority-identities/
Pagonis, P. (2020, August 13). 3 Ways That Gender Reveal Parties Can Be Harmful — Plus 3 Awesome Alternatives. Everyday Feminism. https://everydayfeminism.com/2016/02/gender-reveal-parties-harmful/.
Stopyra, D. (2018, March 29). Dear Parents-to-Be: Stop Celebrating Your Baby’s Gender. Marie Claire. https://www.marieclaire.com/culture/a28016/gender-reveal-parties/.
Trick, D. (2020, October 26). An Autistic’s Response to J.K. Rowling’s Transphobic Tweets. The Art of Autism. https://the-art-of-autism.com/an-autistics-response-to-j-k-rowlings-transphobic-tweets/
Wilkinson, J. (2020, September 13). Gender reveal parties gone wrong — and why the woman who started the trend wants it to stop. Daily News. https://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/ny-gender-reveal-party-disasters-20200913-qhhimsejr5fi5puuh4ya3yhyli-story.html
For more information:
Human Rights Commission. (n.d.). Fatal Violence Against the Transgender and Gender Non-Conforming Community in 2021. HRC. https://www.hrc.org/resources/fatal-violence-against-the-transgender-and-gender-non-conforming-community-in-2021.
