Why, why, why do I feel so empty?
With emotions overwhelming me, emotions I cannot even express to either myself or people outside of myself…
Shouldn’t I be already past this? Shouldn’t I just accept my own emptiness and my difficulty with describing my own emotions already as a part of who I am?
Pray tell, dear brain that is an intimate friend, ally and enemy… Why must you still insist on continuing to fight me? Why must you still insist on trying to instill the same bullshit about me that I’ve ingrained by shitheads that only live in my past? Why the fuck are you just as stubborn as I am?!
What must I emotionally need to do to ensure that you’re feeling loved instead of thinking impossible/illogical things that make you feel worse about yourself,
while you feel so pained, trying and struggling to heal and survive, from yesteryear’s bullshit?
How much bullshit must I take to ensure that you survive? But for what cost on my already fluctuating and fluid mental health?
Fuck it, time to fight my way through life’s bullshit and haul ass to free myself from this hell I made for myself… especially an inescapable self-hatred I need to keep clawing my way out of.
My wings still work and they’re thankfully not clipped,but they’re going to need years to rest, while my claws are available to me, because my claws are still working well so that I can use to continue fighting against the bullshit I subconsciously believe about myself (or rather what was taught to me).
Sometimes it feels like I am not actually getting myself anywhere nor actually making myself a lot better since it’s like I don’t actually care about myself, but more so still trapping myself in the bullshit made about me, and the shit that I made myself believe to make myself palatable to those who’ve wronged me in the past and to those who’ve said a lot of bullshit against me. But then again… doesn’t this feel like that when you’re progressing?
I guess that this is a part of both life and the messy bullshit that is the human experience, no matter how ‘holistic’ people make progress in self-work to be.
I guess there are many things that I can do,
to fill the emptiness inside.